To Define The Self....

For the longest i've used Isanji and Momoki as my fursona's, because I always assumed the two of them represented the conflicting halves of my heart (or lack there of). But that's not the case.

I haven't been sleeping well so as usualy I read through my psychology books and find things that don't make sense and dwell on them until I comprehend it. So i've come to the realization that Momoki and Isanji aren't two opposites, they are in fact one in the same. On top of that I didn't created them in my image...I created them from my desire.

I don't have one type of guy I like, I have two, both are my ideal guys because let's face it, I take things slow and i'm kind of the opposite of them both. I like guys who are optimistic, can smile continuously as if they aren't bothered when deep down they have the entire world on their shoulders...I like that cause only I could tell the thoughts that lie behind that smile..like Isanji. But I also like the serious ones, the ones who are calm, somewhat quiet, withdrawn from everyone else but when you turn around they are always there. And although they never show much emotion, I would have that connection with them to where from others POV's you'd think we were strangers..when in fact we simply understand each other inside and out...like Momoki.

I came about these thoughts after ZEN said he created Joshua as his perfect guy or something like that. And I always wondered which was the real person..the player or the character? Maybe the player makes the character in the image of the person they admire and not the person they wish they were....OR...it could be one in the same. It's such a interesting philosophy behind understanding one's identity!


I also began to wonder something else...I drew Momoki a long time ago and I drew "myself" hugging him. Now..I wonder why in the world did I do that? Why did I visualize myself hugging...myself? I didn't think to hard about it but the more and more I go on about it I kind of understand that I wasn't using these two as an extent of my will, it was my desire.

I don't and never have wanted to be someone other than who I am...all I wanted was somebody who could put up with "what" I am.